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Funny quotes

Funny quotes and saying for you – Top 100 Funny quotes photo and pictures free download. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

– According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

– It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

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Funny quotes

Funny quotes

– A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

– How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

– My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

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– Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?

– By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

– Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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– Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

– A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

– Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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– If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

– How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

– A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

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– I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

– Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

– A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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– Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

– Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

– I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

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– When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

– By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

– America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

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– To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

– The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

– Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

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– The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.

– A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

– Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

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– I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes–and six months later you have to start all over again.

– My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

– An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

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