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Funny thanksgiving quotes

Top 10 Funny thanksgiving quotes and Sayings, Funny Pictures and Jokes Photo for Happy thanksgiving day from #Funny #Thanksgiving

The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ But we do that every day Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us? Jim Gaffigan

Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped. Just Bill

How to cut a turkey the Republican way: give 1% of your guests 99% of the meat. Andy Borowitz

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status. Russell Baker

Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It’s a way to live. Attributed to Jacqueline Winspear

Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. American Indian saying

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven. Johannes A. Gaertner

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues. Cicero

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. Stephen Colbert

We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin

But see, in our open clearings, how golden the melons lie;
Enrich them with sweets and spices, and give us the pumpkin-pie!
Margaret Junkin Preston

Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey — until Thanksgiving. Mike Connolly

I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family. Damien Fahey

Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. Melanie White

Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape, to play Santa Claus. Melanie White

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller

I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the “history” I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all. Ellen Orleans

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Funny thanksgiving quotes 1

Thanksgiving is possible only for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory. Author Unknown

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God has two dwellings; one in heaven, and the other in a meek and thankful heart. Izaak Walton

Funny thanksgiving quotes 2

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home. Melanie White

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart

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Funny thanksgiving quotes 3

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. Kevin James

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Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now.  A.W. Tozer

Funny thanksgiving quotes 4

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat! David Letterman

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After Thanksgiving dinner men fall asleep because they’re full of turkey; women fall asleep because they’re exhausted. Melanie White

Funny thanksgiving quotes 5

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.  Seneca

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Stand up, on this Thanksgiving Day, stand upon your feet. Believe in man. Soberly and with clear eyes, believe in your own time and place. There is not, and there never has been a better time, or a better place to live in. Phillips Brooks

Funny thanksgiving quotes 6

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. Jay Leno

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Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. Rita Rudner

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Happy We-Stole-Your-Land-and-Killed-Your-People Day.  Thanksgiving toast, from the movie Sweet November

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If I have enjoyed the hospitality of the Host of this universe, Who daily spreads a table in my sight, surely I cannot do less than acknowledge my dependence.  G.A. Johnston Ross

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On this Thanksgiving day, let us be grateful that we were not born turkeys. Anonymous

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A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying that smells good to be helping. Jimmy Fallon

Funny thanksgiving quotes 9

Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are? Kenny Rogerson

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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. Erma Bombeck

Funny thanksgiving quotes

Every Thanksgiving I think about how much Pilgrims had to sacrifice just so we could have a day off work. Melanie White

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving. Erma Bombeck

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An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcinet

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. Kin Hubbard

None is more impoverished than the one who has no gratitude. Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy. Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don’t unravel.  Author Unknown